


Board the Plank - Fic

by orphan_account



Category: Frozen (2013), Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies)
Genre: Boat Sex, Deliberate Badfic, F/M, Ice Play, Necrophilia, Nonnies Made Me Do It, Skeletons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-19
Updated: 2014-09-19
Packaged: 2018-02-17 23:47:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2327570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After being banished from her kingdom, Elsa considers ending it all, but ends up boarding a different plank.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Board the Plank - Fic

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Board the Plank](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2313056) by [VampirePaladin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/VampirePaladin/pseuds/VampirePaladin). 



> Goddammit, I'm sick and tired of Jack Frost/Elsa shipping. Can you get any more cliche!? I wrote this fic to let off some steam. Fuck Jack/Elsa. Seriously. Hector's way hotter anyway.

Elsa shivered, which was unusual for her since the cold never bothered her anyway, but I digress. She had just been outed of her magical ice powers, and she had run so far from Arendelle that she wasn't sure where she was anymore. But what she does know is that she is on a gigantic ship, and there was a plank.

 _It's too much for me._ She thought. _I can't take it anymore. Everybody thinks as a monster._ The ice queen started walking until she was on the edge of the plank. But just before she was about to jump, a silky voice stopped her.

"Don't jump! It ain't worth it, milady."  
"Stand back!" Elsa cried, sending a blast of ice. But the man who stood before her wasn't fazed, and brushed the ice off like it was confetti.  
"You think you're a monster? Gimme a break, mate." He rolled his eyes. "I'm Captain Hector Barbossa, the most fearsome pirate of the Seven Seas! Just look at me under the moonlight."  
Elsa gasped as the clouds conveniently parted to shine a moonbeam upon the captain. It was a living skeleton!  
"I'm cursed and it fucking sucks. At least you get cool ice powers!" Hector sighed. "Never wins me any girls either. Who wants to bang a skeleton?"  
"Actually... I would." Elsa said. She gave him a seductive grin. She had forgotten all about how miserable she was and now she wanted to see what this pirate dude was all about.  
"Really? Sweet." Hector cackled. He waved at his monkey. "Go away, Jack! I'm gonna get laid!"

The ice queen and pirate captain didn't waste any time and decided to do it right on the ship. Hector shed his clothes with difficulty, considering how much he had on, but he gazed in wonder at Elsa as her new ice dress melted away to reveal her beautiful body.

"We'll do it in the moonlight." She smirked slyly, and pulled Hector's body towards hers. Skeletons didn't have lips, but that was okay. Bones were also cold, but again, the cold never bothered her anyway. Hector's skeletal fingers crawled over Elsa's breasts and caressed them, teasing her nipples with the tips of what remained of his fingers. Elsa sent little flurries inside Hector's rib cage, which made him shiver and cry out in delight.

"Here's a joke for ye!" Hector said. "What happens to skeletons when they get horny?"  
"What?" Elsa asked.  
"They get boners!"  
"Hahaha, very funny." She laughed.  
"Too bad skeletons don't have any dicks."  
"Move the lower half of your body out of the moonlight, then we can make it work."

Indeed, Elsa was right. As the pirate captain plunged inside and warmed her icy cavern, his stiffened plank kept out of the moonlight where he was free to make love to her as he pleased. Ribs made great handlebars, which Elsa needed as she boarded Barbossa's plank over and over and over again.

"Your power flurries through the air into the ground...!" Hector gasped.  
"Oh Hector! My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around!"  
"And one thought--oh!--and my orgasm--crystallizes like an icy blast!"  
"I'm never going back! The past is in the paaaaaaast!" Elsa let it go, cheering as she rode out her orgasm. The pirate captain and ice queen collapsed in each other's arms, spent and happy.

"That was the best!" Elsa smiled.  
"Let the storm rage on, we're just gettin' started." Hector winked.  
"Goddamn, that was hot." Captain Jack Sparrow said. Then he stumbled into a barrel and floated away.  
Captain Hector Barbossa shook his fist in rage. "DAMMIT JACK!"

**Author's Note:**

> See? It's not hard to write an original pairing. At least I'm not pairing Elsa with her own sister, ugh. What is fandom thinking!? Don't they know that incest is illegal?


End file.
